Finding the balance

Today at school, while I was sitting in the library, the urge to donate a book of mine suddenly struck me. I've carried this book with me for months - I've read it multiple time - and I decided that I wasn't finished with it yet, but when I picked it up off the table it seemed to repel my hand. When I returned home I realized why this urge had come over me.

While I was on my way home I spontaneously imagined myself speaking with a psychologist. It began as an usual conversation, but when he inquired of me my spiritual and theological ideas it became something else. I first described to him my introduction into philosophy; a few years ago I wanted to become a pathologist and save lives, but early in my personal studies I was perplexed by a number of difficult questions. It was those questions that lead me to philosophy.

Eventually I grew tired of the systematic mechanics of "reason" that you find in much of western philosophy. My studies ventured east and I found the Tao Teh Ching. I grew very intimate with this book. Regardless of my discoveries I, still, couldn't find direction. My first lesson was to seek a more personal truth: intuition. One day I spontaneously, from intuition alone, found Christ. Christ was the answer, but not for long. Sometimes I would be a fundamentalist Christian. Sometimes I would be a radical intellectualist. Sometimes I would be a devote Taoist. Sometimes I would be carefree. Sometimes I would try to correlate my ideas. Sometimes I was sure I was going insane.

Needless to say, what once was a series of emotional fluctuations became a vicious circle. This "circle" prompted my next discovery.

I was told by a stranger, some time ago, that true knowledge arises out of necessity rather than desire. "First you must find your balance, only then will you venture further down the rabbit hole." Sometime later I had a dream; I was in the wilderness, in a valley, and there was a relatively large hole in the ground. I was wandering in circles around it trying to lose my balance, but I couldn't fall in. This seemed to relate directly to the tip I received. I then realized, because of my book, that it is solely because I am trying to fall into it, trying to lose my balance, that I cannot. I must let go of Christ, of the Tao, of Freedom, of Knowledge, to find balance, for each of these anchor me to the circle. I must really unlearn my learning to fall into the center. I must really unlearn my learning to follow the Tao.

Each of these small events has lead me to such a distinct and powerful, yet simple, discovery. It struck me like a bolt of lightning... Is it destiny?

Discoveries such as this seem to be becoming more frequent. I don't think I need that damned book anymore.